News Flash: Judaism and Same-Sex Marriage

In her presentation on “Judaism and Same-Sex Marriage” Vanessa Ochs discussed how same-sex couples have struggled to arrange a traditional wedding because of the heterosexual foundations that have shaped such weddings throughout history. Specifically, Ochs uses Jewish marriages to exemplify the ways in which Judaism perceives the communion between a man and a woman and the rituals involved in creating this communion. However, the problem with such communions and rituals is that with same-sex marriages, in order to carry out the traditional Jewish wedding, one person must take on the role of the bride and one must take on the role of the groom. Yet same-sex couples do not always have such clear-cut male and female roles, where the more masculine partner assumes the male role of the groom and the more feminine partner assumes the role of the bride. Thus, I argue that the struggle for same-sex couples in planning their weddings comes back to the idea of the two-sex or two-gender system, in which weddings and society in general have been constructed in such a way that people must fall into these two categories: male and female, or groom and bride. Consequently, we must do away with this bilateral system and instead of forcing people into one of two categories which they may not fit into, like making a lesbian partner assume the role of a groom, we must begin to embrace a system without gender types and labels.

Going along with Ochs’s ideas in her presentation, an article released in The Jewish Chronicle explains how bishops are beginning to conduct same-sex marriages and synagogues have also become open to same-sex marriages. While this may seem to be a mark of progress for Jewish same-sex couples who are now able to carry out such Jewish rituals, there still lies the problem for both Jewish same-sex couples and other same-sex couples looking to have a traditional wedding – which is that for so long weddings have required a bride and a groom. As Ochs explained, Jewish marriage rituals require the groom to present the Ketubah to the bride, which she accepts as a contract signifying their commitment to each other. Thus in order for a same-sex couple to carry out these Jewish rituals, one must present the Ketubah to the other; however if the marriage involves two men or two women, who carries out each role? Similarly, traditional weddings in the Western World usually require the groom to wait at the alter while the bride walks down the aisle, often times escorted by her father, to meet the groom. Then once the vows have been made, the priest or minister or whoever is leading the wedding will say to the groom, “you may now kiss the bride” in which case the groom unveils the bride and kisses her. In these weddings, there are such obvious roles that exist for the bride, the woman, and the groom, the man. Thus for a same-sex couple looking to have a traditional wedding, who takes on the role of waiting at the alter while the other person walks down the aisle, and who initiates the big kiss, which really serves as the big moment or climax of the wedding? As Ochs discussed, often times same-sex couples look to create their own rituals that work for them; however it is difficult for friends and family members attending the wedding to know exactly how to feel or respond to such unfamiliar practices. They are accustomed to stand up and feel overwhelmed with joy watching the bride walk down the aisle and they are programmed to wait with sheer excitement for that moment when the minister announces, “I know pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride!” The problem with creating new rituals is that those who are attending, those who are sharing that special moment of marriage with the couple, simply do not know what to feel and how to react. But also, for the couple actually getting married, it is possible that they want a traditional wedding and have dreamed of walking down the aisle with their father or waiting at the alter for their loved one or performing the traditions belonging to their own religions. However because of the gender roles that have been created and assigned to certain rituals and different aspects of life, those who do not fit into these roles are left at a disadvantage.

In her chapter, “That Sexe Which Prevaileth” Anne Fausto-Sterling explains how our society is obsessed with categorizing a person’s correct sex and consequently labels a person as either male or female based on the sex that dominates their personality, hence “that sexe which prevaileth.” The same categorization tends to happen with same-sex couples, in which, using the example of a lesbian couple, people tend to classify the more masculine woman as “the man” in the relationship and thus label the more feminine woman as “the woman” in the relationship. Consequently, when it comes to the wedding, people may tend to assume that the more masculine woman will take on the role of the groom, while the more feminine woman will take on the role of the bride. However, what happens if both women are both extremely feminine, and both wish to be brides and walk down the aisle in their weddings? Here lies the predicament in that a wedding without a groom and with two brides walking down the aisle is a clear deviation from a “normal” traditional wedding. Thus as Fausto-Sterling suggests, we must change these social constructs of gender and the roles that accompany them because not all people fit neatly into one of the two categories.

Using a different perspective, as Ariel Levy explains in her chapter “Womyn to Bois” it also happens that often times in a same-sex couple, there is a more masculine woman and a more feminine woman and they each carry out these male and female roles within their relationship. Thus, as Levy explains, these women are simply reaffirming traditional gender roles and conforming to this two-sex or two-gender system. However in this case, I think Levy herself may be getting caught in the bilateral trap in the sense that perhaps it is not that women portraying typically masculine qualities want to necessarily act like men, but rather the qualities that they do exhibit naturally are labeled as masculine. Thus once again, these dual labels -- male and female, masculine and feminine, groom and bride – only create limitations and problems, especially for the people who simply do not fit into either of the two categories.

Weddings are the practice of certain rituals that symbolize a love and commitment between two people and furthermore allow this moment of communion to be shared with family and friends of the couple. As Vanessa Ochs explained, these rituals are guided by certain beliefs and are meant to justify or legitimize the communion between a couple. However, throughout history these ceremonies have been based on a heterosexual, two-gender system in which there are clear-cut male and female roles, which consequently makes it very difficult for same-sex couples to have a traditional wedding. Thus, the two categories, male and female, and the roles assigned with each category must be erased in order for people who do not fit into either category to find their own place in society. Yet the real change ahead is restructuring a society that is not based on this two-gender system.